Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You were trust falling into bushes
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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