Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Rumble strips road head = magical
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize