I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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