the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Barsexuality is the new black.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
