Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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