I look better un-naked...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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