think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
