just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
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I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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