Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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