She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
