Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
