I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
