I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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