My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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