On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
