Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
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she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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