Where is the hickey?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
