I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
