My room smells like vodka and shame
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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