The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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