Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just cut my nipple shaving
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
