My nipple is on Facebook.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
