They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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