is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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