why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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