She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
