Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
