he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
