Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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