I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
