how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
