Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
