i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
