there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
