All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
