i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I think I sprained my soul last night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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