I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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