last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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