ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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