i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
