the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
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A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i think my cat just said my name.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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