You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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