I skipped work to stalk him.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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