I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
