Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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