Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just googled if crying burns calories
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
