Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
