i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
