I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The beer is more important than you right now.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
