Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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