I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
