Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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