god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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