if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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