Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
