If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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