i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just pynch a tree in the face
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
