I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
