Just fell off a train. Bad.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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