I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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